I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
