I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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