Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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