my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
