I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
