I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
