Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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