got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
