Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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