I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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