Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
one two three fourrrrnication!
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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