I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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