ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
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If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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