oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
