Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
