You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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