But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
