just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
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