The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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