Your face is a jimmy john
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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