Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They have beer where we have blood.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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