Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
