I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
