Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think i got beer on your cat.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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