She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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