Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
