He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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