u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
