Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
