Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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