I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
