They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I see more hoeing in ur future
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