Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
