we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
