I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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