I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
