I haven't been this sober since birth.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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