I just saw a hot homeless man
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
