well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
