When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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