The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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