What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
