I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
