God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
