I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
