My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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