My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
