I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
