Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
