i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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