good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
