a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
