i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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