i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
