and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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